High Hopes

I wish I could stop feeling this way about you.

I wish I could just let you go, the way you did to me.

If this was a dream, right now I'd be waiting for the ground to crumble beneath my feet so that I'd have that feeling of vertigo you have when you're just about to fall, and I'd wake up to find myself on the floor with a bruised shoulder and not a broken heart.

Thinking back now, I should've seen it coming and backed out before it came to this. I should've gone back to that shell of a person I used to be, when things were simple and all I'd ever worry about was how much money I'd have left after a meal so I could buy myself a cigarette. I can't go back in time, but I wish I could.

We could've been something, but I know it's not your fault that this shit happened. Forget being happy, we wanted each other to be miserable just so that we'd feel important/powerful enough for ourselves. Our love wasn't selfless; our love was selfish.

But that's just it - it was still love.

I don't love you anymore. You don't love me either. So why don't/can't we move on? Because we never had "closure"? Nope. There's no such thing. I want to move on, but I just can't bring myself to go all the way back to the start and work my way up the walls of someone new. I'd rather stay down here in the rubble, throw around stuff, maybe walk over to someone else's rubble for a while and play with them, and feel powerful again. But it isn't power when it drives you to guilt for taking advantage of someone else's mistakes. So I get back to my own rubble.

It's a sad, sad life. Self pity, guilt, remorse, unending loneliness...I wish I was a rock star. I probably have 10 albums worth of song material inside my mind just waiting to be written down.

Moving on isn't a choice. It's forced on you by life.

I'm waiting, life.