Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Being Somebody

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to do something. Something worthwhile, that would make people stop and admire my work. You know, make a name for myself. I didn’t want to be just anybody. I wanted to be somebody.

I remember watching Jurassic Park as a kid and thinking to myself, “Someday, I’m gonna be a paleontologist.” I told that to my dad. What did he say about that? “Paleontologist? Hahaha! Now watch Superman and tell me you want to be him next! Ha!” I did.

Twelve years on, I’m not a paleontologist. Neither am I Superman. Batman would’ve seemed a more realistic dream, but what the heck did I know about building a Batmobile then? I’m still not who I want to be. My life so far has been one roller coaster ride of joy, sadness, pain, excitement, alcohol, death, hate and love; dejection and vodka go so well together.

I see people around me, but do they really exist? Lying, cheating bitching, backstabbing; “Fake” is what defines society today. Friends are the people you’re supposed to depend upon when you’re in need? No thanks. In the words of the not-so-great Nicholas Cage portraying the kind-of-cliché-but-cool Cameron Poe in the movie Con Air, “Sorry boss, but there’s only two men I trust. One of them's me. The other's not you.” Damn, I love that movie.

Call me a loner, a cynic. I am. I just don’t see the point in putting all your trust in people who wouldn’t take a bullet for you even after you did for them. Too scared of their own limitation. What limitations? Limitations only exist when you create them for yourselves. You need courage to be your own person.

So where am I getting at with all of this? Well, here’s a hint: Grow up. People make mistakes. Who doesn’t? Some people make the same mistake over and over again. And again. And again. Case in point – Me. It took me 12 months to realize what a prick I had been. But in the end I did come to that realization. I did confront myself. And I’ve changed. I’m not a prick anymore. I’m not asking you to be my BFF either. Just accept me. Acknowledge my existence.

But wait, don’t get all emo just yet, I’m not done.

So, finally, here I am now, sorry for my mistake, happy to be alive and ready to face my future. Alone? If I have to. I’m glad I made those mistake. I’m glad I hurt those people. I’m glad those people hurt me. I’m glad to be the only person I trust. I’m glad I’m not Superman. Because if it wasn’t for all of that, I wouldn’t be here right now. At the apex of my life. Letting go. Being free. Being somebody.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Compromise

Silence now, nothing left to say
We've made it through our worst day
Bruised and hurt from blows we've taken
Truths to which we've finally awakened

We built so much on lies and deceit
Hidden who we are deep under our feet
Struggled, in vain, to keep them away
Finally out in the open to stay

Both of us lied to ourselves and each other
Fooled only ourselves, not one another
But here we are now, open and true
On either side of this line that we drew

Anger and Love, Hate and Desire
Eyes welling up, yet hearts on fire
Wondering in silence what to choose
Waiting to see who makes the first move

Killing the noise of the deafening silence
We reach for each other, resisting defiance
The only truth, we realize as our lips met
Is to choose love, and not regret.