Saturday, December 5, 2015

Had to blog this

From Aziz Ansari's brilliant Master of None's Finale:

You can't just expect a big roaring fire right away, you know? You can't put the big logs in first; you gotta start with the small stuff... the kindling. You add that, then you put in the big logs and then you have a roaring fire. And that's a good relationship. But be careful--sometimes kindling wood is hard to find, so don't take it for granted.

Pic - Screenshot

Friday, July 24, 2015

you see me

just a little high,
just a little drunk
no one else around, just you and me
and a little bit of luck

we've been dancing around
each other all night
and now we've got each other
and no one else in sight

so let's take our time,
take whatever we want from this
give it all we have
everything beyond this first kiss

the heat, the passion
the result of all the flirting
what we've been doing all this while
girl, all the issues we've been skirting

so don't be shy, don't hold it back
you know it's what i've wanted
since i saw you, the minute you walked in
my mind has been been haunted

by you, you've taken me to places
i never knew even existed
so, baby, hold me closer
before i think i've missed it

the taste you leave behind,
so familiar yet so exotic yet intimate to touch
when the morning comes, we'll forget it all
then again, that we knew as much

Thursday, July 9, 2015

sweat the little things

oh, still here, are you?

have you nowhere else to go? no one else to speak to? nothing else to do?
fine then, sit still
i'll get you a warm blanket and a change of clothes
there's no need to worry, you're safe here

here, take this
it'll help
with... you know
no? you're good? alright

is there anything else you need?
some food perhaps? or maybe a drink? yes you'd love that?
here, ol' chap. cheers!
sip it all down, let it warm you up

so tell me, what brings you down here?
well, yes, i guess i already know why
but still? even now?
living in the past isn't really healthy, you know

i mean, look at you:
you've got a great job, a great girl, family who loves you to death
so why long face? why so glum chum?
think about it

in ten years, you'll be a manager
you'll be earning ten times your current salary
you'll have two, maybe three little kids running around
and your wife, man will she be the best wife in the world

in twenty, you'll be nearing your retirement
still have the best wife
sure your kids'll be older. may have moved away too
but hey, wasn't that the plan all along?

in thirty you've worked your way to the top, homes, congratulate yo ass!
wife still loves you, or does she? you're pretty sure she does
your kids are starting out their careers now, they're earning in big bucks
you see them once a year at christmas

in forty, you'll be closer to death, i guess
that's a bummer. you may or may not have your wife with you
your kids would've had their own families by now
is that warm milk i smell on the stove?

in fifty, you're probably dead.
if you aren't, you're pretty damn close to it
i mean, look at you, all that whisky and cigarettes
it's a miracle you can still breathe

but why worry about that shit now, bro?
that's fifty years from now
you worry a lot? that's it?
you're fucking worried about things that may or may not even happen to you?
what's that? you can't even go a day without worrying that you might end up dead within the next half hour?
so be yourself! go out and live your life!
you can't, because you worry if you're wrong, eh?
you're fucking depressing, bro
pass me the light

now get the fuck outta here

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

whisky infused love

the taste of your lips still lingers on
smokey, hazey, whisky infused love
that never seems to get old
never seems to let me rise above

lower and lower we sink,
higher than any one around us
feeling, touching, holding, kissing, loving
blending drowning love with intoxicated lust

hearing you calling out to me
pulling you away from the depths of the darkness around
not a sound escapes the silence of your tongue
exploring the far reaches of the exhilaration we found

the finality of each moment even as we move on
is seared forever in the chasm left inside me
the calm, desolate, null void
will never let me sleep soundly

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Tell me when it kicks in

Waiting for the bass to drop,
My lungs working over time
Trying to filter air through the smoke
As the poet spits another rhyme

There's nowhere to go, nowhere to be
Nothing in this word that I'd rather to see
Stuck here in this moment, that's just fine with me
When you learn to be happy while trained in chains, who wants to be free?

Not thinking about the last time we left
things open ended, like a sentence with no period.
But that's just how it is with us, how we'll always be
Never ending

Love is supposed to transcend dimensions,
No time, no space, no quantifiable existence
But each day I can count the seconds it takes to stop thinking about you
The number of times I'd experience something new and not wish you were here to share it with me

Forget it, it's fine, it's just my big head
I'll find someone new, something else to obsess over instead
That's just the way it's supposed to be, no worries I'm good
That's just the way life is, if only I understood

I can feel it finally kicking in, the room spins
No one around me feels it, though, it's all in my head
I see you in the corner. You know what's happening. You smile. You blow me a kiss.
I'm happy, at last. Finally. Peace. A single tear I shed.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Other Man

The first time I got to really look at her, I couldn’t tell if she was pretending to look busy with her notes or if she really was. I’d caught her looking in my direction a couple of times already, and each time she immediately looked away, either back at the professor or out the window on the other side of the classroom. Whatever it was, I wasn’t even sure if it was me she was looking at; I always sat in one of the single seats in front of the classroom window. Too many people in one room always made me claustrophobic.

I was never good at making the first move with women, so I thought, “Fuck it. I’m never gonna have a shot with a looker like her anyway.”

I was wrong. I had a shot. In fact, I later realized I had such a good shot, it could’ve been a piece of cake. A sitting duck.

Except I let the duck eat the cake, and fly away too.


I was sitting alone at home watching Band of Brothers and eating some cold pizza from last night, when she came over. The doorbell rang, so I went up to open the door, expecting it to be my roommate.

It was her.

I froze, my mind unable to grasp the fact that she was standing in my doorway, just as stunningly beautiful as I’d seen her on that first day in college. The fact that she had just gotten married to someone else a few weeks ago and was supposed to be moving to the US soon helped keep my tongue tied.

“Hi,” she said slowly, looking straight at me. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, s-sure”, I stammered, moving out of the way to let her in.

She walked in and I shut the door behind her. I turned to look at her, and under the better light of the hall, I could see that she had been crying. I could also see that her finger nails were chipped.

“Do you want some water?” I asked her, and she shook her head. She took a step towards me, still looking straight at my face.

“Something to eat?”

She took another step, shaking her head. Her face was an inch away from mine, by now, and I could see the smudged mascara giving her what I thought were exaggerated dark circles.

“Do you-”

She kissed me before I could finish my sentence. Her hands moved across the back of head, through my hair. I pulled away, and looked at her. She wasn’t crying. She wasn’t smiling. She looked exhausted. I kissed her back, pulling her ever so slowly closer, wrapping my arms around her like I always imagined I would.

She stopped and looked at me, still in my arms, and said, “I’m getting a divorce.”

“Well, duh,” I replied and smiled at her. She smiled back at me and led me to the kitchen. She pulled out a couple of beers from the fridge, opened them, and handed one to me.

“When did you start drinking again?” I asked as we clinked our bottles together.

“Just now,” she said, and took a sip.

“What happened with-” I began, but she cut me off again.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I just need some peace.”


We stood in silence for a few seconds, before she suggested we watch something.

Sure, I said, and we moved to the couch. I turned on the television and she sat next to me, curled up under my arm, and we sat in silence, sipping our beers as we watched Arnab Goswami yell at four different people at the same time.

She said nothing else for the next couple of hours.


Two years ago

“I can’t sleep,” I remember texting her.

“Me neither. Wanna talk?” She replied.

I called her without replying to her text, and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. Like we had been doing for the past 3 months or so.

I lay in bed later that night wondering what it was about her that made me want to catch the next flight out just to get to see her in person. I texted her again:

“Goodnight, you.”

She replied:


I was in love with her. I just didn’t know it yet.

Two months later, we had ‘the talk’. She said she wanted to be with me. I told her I didn’t do long distance.

We never spoke after that.


A year ago


I was sitting with a bunch of friends from college. We were celebrating nothing in particular, but everyone at the table was happy, I remember.

“Oh, by the way,” one of them said, “Ash just got engaged,”

“Whoa, to who?!” another exclaimed, while I felt a hand rest on my thigh. I looked at Neha, and she looked at me, with that worried expression you get when people think you’re going to lose it any second. I squeezed her hand, smiled at her, and took a sip of my beer.

“Finally!” I said, and the other two laughed. Neha smiled half heartedly, finished her rum and coke, and ordered another.

I went home at 6 AM the next morning, smelling of alcohol and with one hell of a hangover setting in.


Six months ago

“We need to talk,” Ash had texted.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I replied, and put my phone away.

Seven unanswered texts later, she called.

“What?” I answered.

“Please meet me. Things can’t end this way.”

“Okay. But don’t blame me if you’re blown away by my new found charm and decide to call off your wedding.”

She laughed. God, the way she laughed drove me insane.

“I’ll try to control myself. See you!”

We spent the first half hour in awkward silence, interspersed with small talk in between sips of our coffees.

“I wish you wouldn’t do this,” I finally said.

“Do what?” she asked, setting down her glass?

“This. Forcing this friendship. Talking to me like we’ve been buddies forever. I can’t do that. I can’t just be friends with you. I don’t think I’ve ever done that, and I don’t think I ever will. I should’ve told you this a long time ago, I know, and actually made an effort. I’m sorry I didn’t. But I’m not sorry about the way I feel about you now. The way I’ve always felt—I’m in love with you.”

“John, it’s…I’m getting married in a month,” she said.

“I know,” I replied, “I just had to say that. I’m sorry.”

We sat in silence again for a while. She held my hand, and I stroked it.

At last, she said, “Where was this a year ago? When it really mattered?”

She pulled her hand away.

“I’m sorry,” I offered again. “I should just go.”

I stood up to leave, and she said, “You’ll find someone new, who’ll love you more than I ever did.”

“I know,” I replied, “But I’m not sure I’ll be able to feel the same way about her.”


I began to clear away the bottles of beer, but she pulled me back down on the couch. We kissed again, and she straddled me, as she took her tank top off.

I looked at her and smiled. She smiled back, and we made love.


Beep! Beep!

My phone buzzed on my bedside table, telling me I had a new message.

I removed my arm from around Ash, who was sleeping on the bed next to me. I looked at her and smiled to myself, still unable to fully fathom the fact that she was actually there.

I sat up, picked up my phone and looked at the screen. I had missed six calls, and had received one text message. It was from Neha:

Ash’s husband just called me. They said she jumped off the roof of their building and killed herself. Call me ASAP.

Pic - DiamondSpider | DeviantArt