Shake It Out

I've always said I never regret the mistakes I've made in my life. That I've learned to be better man because of them. That I have this wisdom to distinguish between right and wrong now because I didn't know how to before and made stupid mistakes to help me realize what an idiot I've been.

And that's how it is, right? You can't be sure of which side the grass is greener unless you've gone up close and examined a blade of grass from each side under an electron microscope?

No.

I would literally give anything I could to go back to certain points of time in my life, shake past-Chris, punch him in the face and say, "What the FUCK do you think you're doing, dumb shit? You let the perfect job, the perfect life and the perfect girl get away from you and now you're doing THIS?", and then spit dramatically on the ground. Okay, maybe I wouldn't do the spitting bit, I hate that shit. That would be something else I'd regret.

Truth is, I live a life that's filled with regret. I'm sure I'm not the only one too. Everyone regrets things they've done in the past. That's the annoying thing with life. It's only AFTER you've done stupid shit you realize how much better you could've done.

Then again, I'm not living in the past. I've learned to let all of that go and focus on the here and now. But every now and then, you really can't help it when the consequences of all those stupid decisions keep coming back to bite you in the ass. And boy, that is one painful bite that bastard's got.

So what do I do in times like these?

Open a new document on my computer or memo on my phone and start typing.

The Brave

We try to be calm. We try to be brave,
We try our best, our hearts, to save.
But no one can tell just how bad it gets,
How far it goes, before the sun sets.

It’s not the last time that we meet, for sure.
It’s not the last time our eyes greet, once more.
Yet, still, the heart hardens when facts are faced,
When we see that our love, with spite has been laced.

We stop all the lying, all the cheating, all the hate.
We stop all our thinking, leaving it up to fate.
No more shall we share, cherish, nor keep.
The last of our tears has been put to sleep.

Our paths once seemed destined to be forever one,
Our paths are now split; as each other we shun.
Was it love we had? No, it was more.
But we shall never feel that way again, of this I’m sure.

Chop Chop

He said sorry. But he didn’t really mean it. Nope, not one bit.

He had tried to make it work, even though he knew the two of them would be here again sooner or later. It was never meant to be. This however, was.

He wasn’t completely blaming her, of course. It was, after all, he who had decided to try to give it another shot. He had been selfish too. So in a way, he was sorry. He was sorry he had bothered trying. He wasn’t sorry about the way it ended.

He had tried to build it up when he knew it would all come crashing down again. He tried filling the seemingly endless gaps, but he knew he would never be able to bridge it completely. He knew that no matter how hard he tried to stand up, he would stumble and fall again.

In some weird way, he thought, he actually wanted to do this. He wanted to fall down to the ground and get hurt. He wanted his world to come to an end.

Why? Because that’s what he was trained. It’s all he knew. Taking the blame. Breaking the fall.  Being the piece of wood that wedged itself tight in the space between the door and the floor, leaving it open just wide enough for someone else pass through. That’s what he was taught to do – Be the stopper.

So when he finally did manage to bring himself to stopper the unnecessary flow of emotion, he wasn’t sorry about it.

On the contrary, he was glad. He was glad he was now free. That he could take the blame, and yet, somehow, manage to find redemption in the same unchanging fact – he had sacrificed himself, his own feelings and freedom, for the greater good of the world, and himself.

He didn’t know what exactly to call this – Salvation? Hope? Reincarnation? Whatever it is, he knew it felt good. And he had absolutely no need to feel guilty about it. No one in the whole world could take this feeling away from him. He had torn someone else apart. But he was whole. He was complete.


And that’s how he managed to chop the onions that morning.

Lines out of the SuperNothing - II

I’m not the one you sent for. I’m not the one who cares.

I’m not the one you dreamed of. I’m not the one who’s there.

***

It may be sad, it may be bad. But it’s the truth, and it is right.

It makes me glad, it makes me mad. I’m running towards the light.

***

I’ve gone away, to that place I know. It’s far away from you.

I’m alone, but not crying. Cold, but not dying. I don’t wish you were here too.