Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Time


If there was a time I let you down, I’m sorry,
If there was a time I let you fall, don’t worry,
There’ll come a time when they’ll be telling our story.

If there was a time when I could’ve changed, but didn’t,
If there was a time you loved me, and I wasn’t in it,
There’ll come a time I’d change that for you in a minute.

If there was a time I was next you, but never there,
If there was a time you needed me, and I just didn’t care,
There’ll come a time you won’t be alone, I swear.

If there was a time you wanted me to stay, and I strayed,
If there was a time I could’ve been the one, and you felt played,
There’ll come a time when your day will be made.

If there was a time my mind wandered, and you cried,
If there was a time I made an excuse, and I lied,
There’ll come a time when you’ll be my bride.

If there was a time you let me go, because I wanted to,
If there was a time I left you cold, not true to you,
There’ll come a time when you’ll never feel blue.

But, if there was a time I made you smile,
If there was a time I stayed back longer, for just that little while,
There’ll come a time, when we’ll walk that longest mile.

Monday, October 28, 2013

You & I



You meet someone.

You think she's really nice, really pretty and could actually be someone you see yourself with 10 years down the line. Even then, you've been hurt before by things you've never been (this) sure about, so you try to not make a big deal about it.

But inside your head and your heart, you know you've already fallen for her.

You begin talking to her, not worrying about the future but still picturing your perfect life together with her already. You share experiences, desires, your whole lives with each other. Yet still, you use the healing from past wounds as an excuse to keep yourself from getting too attached to her. (And still, you look forward to every weekend only because you get to hang out with her, even if it's with your whole group of friends)

Your professional life takes a dive; you decide to go away for a while. Yet, you still keep in touch. You keep on sharing, you keep on dreaming.

And then, one day, she bails. Without reason, without rhyme, without closure.

She's gone. She's out.

She's with someone else.

You see her 6 months later. She's happy, and she's not with you.

You're broken. And all you want at this moment right now is not closure, but her in your arms telling you the things she's telling him, consoling you with the words she's consoling him with, making time for you in the time she's making for him…kissing you with the lips she's kissing him with.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

High Hopes

I wish I could stop feeling this way about you.

I wish I could just let you go, the way you did to me.

If this was a dream, right now I'd be waiting for the ground to crumble beneath my feet so that I'd have that feeling of vertigo you have when you're just about to fall, and I'd wake up to find myself on the floor with a bruised shoulder and not a broken heart.

Thinking back now, I should've seen it coming and backed out before it came to this. I should've gone back to that shell of a person I used to be, when things were simple and all I'd ever worry about was how much money I'd have left after a meal so I could buy myself a cigarette. I can't go back in time, but I wish I could.

We could've been something, but I know it's not your fault that this shit happened. Forget being happy, we wanted each other to be miserable just so that we'd feel important/powerful enough for ourselves. Our love wasn't selfless; our love was selfish.

But that's just it - it was still love.

I don't love you anymore. You don't love me either. So why don't/can't we move on? Because we never had "closure"? Nope. There's no such thing. I want to move on, but I just can't bring myself to go all the way back to the start and work my way up the walls of someone new. I'd rather stay down here in the rubble, throw around stuff, maybe walk over to someone else's rubble for a while and play with them, and feel powerful again. But it isn't power when it drives you to guilt for taking advantage of someone else's mistakes. So I get back to my own rubble.

It's a sad, sad life. Self pity, guilt, remorse, unending loneliness...I wish I was a rock star. I probably have 10 albums worth of song material inside my mind just waiting to be written down.

Moving on isn't a choice. It's forced on you by life.

I'm waiting, life.